I Took Out The Trash Today.

New OP just came in the mail!

It’s the Family Issue. I now have goosebumps! <3

Collecting my thoughts on this past weekend.

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the awesomeness of the Original Plumbing party in Boston last Friday. I have been raving about how great it was to everyone. Seriously. I can’t shut up about it. Not only was it a great time with a bunch of fellow queers, it was seriously emotionally moving for me.

First of all, Amos, Rocco, and the OP intern were all so friendly! I can’t wait to see the pictures from that night, haha. I wish I had been slightly more articulate in my conversation skills, but I just couldn’t express enough of my thanks for this event. How much it really meant to me is just now slowly starting to sink in.

As a small town queer (I grew up in rural Maine), being able to attend an event such as this was eye-opening. I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me, because of my odd fascination with gender bending and LGBTQ characters, both in film and music.  I realized when I tried to share these amazing movies with people that they weren’t as receptive and I learned to keep quiet about it. Thankfully, I was raised by two of the most liberal and amazing parents, who, while perhaps wary of some of my interests, fully supported and encouraged me. It was just everyone else I had to worry about, haha.

I didn’t even meet anyone who identified as gay until I was about 16 years old, in a community program. I realized about this time that I was probably some variation of queer, but I still kept my mouth shut until a few years of college. Even though I went to a much larger college and made several LGBTQ friends, I was still terrified of coming out in any capacity.  I was sure that everyone from my home town would find out and of course bad things would ensue.  It should be said, I tend to be dramatic.

Eventually, I started meeting and dating genderqueer/trans* identified individuals. This, in turn, made me realize how I had struggled through puberty. How unhappy I had been. I had thought this was normal for girls, until I looked back at the almost obsessive way I analyzed my legs, stretch marks, every feature of my face. I worked hard to convince myself this was normal. I grew out my hair so it was incredibly long. I wore sweatshirts when I wanted to hide. I tried to get out the awkward by being the perfect student, perfect ‘daughter’, and perfect girlfriend. I thought if I looked good and boys thought I was cute, I would be able to ignore the not-so-great feelings.  Turns out ignoring things doesn’t make them go away… Who knew? Haha.

Eventually, I found out about Original Plumbing. I bought an issue as a birthday present for a good friend.  I didn’t think much about it at the time, but I kept going back to site, looking at the pictures, reading the interviews and articles. I realized how amazing the trans community was. I still wasn’t ready to give up my ‘female identity’, but seeing all of the amazing trans people on OP really gave me some sort of hopeful message for the future.

And here I am today. A few years later. Fairly certain I am a genderqueer trans* kid, just trying to to find his place in the scheme of things.

I’m not sure what the point of this writing is; I guess just gathering my thoughts into a cohesive whole, while attempting to express my gratitude for the chance to meet and socialized with other people in the trans and genderqueer community. Being able to attend an event like this made me less scared and more secured in my identity. I think my fear of coming out is often linked to the idea of what it means in relation to where I came from. I know most of the people I went to school with won’t be okay with this. Hell, I’ve gotten emails asking why I cut my hair so short from people I haven’t seen since high school… I know most of my family will want nothing to do with me. I’m scared my best friend since 3rd grade, who is more like a sister at this point, will not want me around her or her kids.

But the community gives me hope and acceptance. And it is unconditional. I am a man because I say and feel I am.  Even if I go the no-hormone route. Even if I decide to just get a chest reduction or to have complete removal. This community will still accept me as a guy. And if in the future my gender gets more complicated and I go back to feeling more genderqueered, I know I will still be accepted and loved in this community. 

I just feel so lucky and thankful. This weekend really made me realize that. And if you saw an awkward guy in a Legalize Trans* shirt crying while the parade went by in Boston this weekend. There is a good chance it was me. <3 <3 <3

I just got a subscription to OP. Hurray!! I decided I can afford it if I just live off of the food I have in my kitchen already for the next few days, hahaha!